One True Thing

One thing I know to be True is that telling yourself mean things doesn’t motivate, support or improve you in any way.

Here I am at the end of February which I decided would be the month of the FROG  (Fully Rely On God).  I spent a good chunk of it in Chicken Little mode running around afraid the sky was falling because I decided I was too fat. Somehow putting on 5 or 10 pounds had turned into an impending disaster and meant I should definitely leave the house as little as possible. As I spent more and more time inside the story of how horrible this was and how I was obviously a flawed human being if I could not control my own body, the more miserable I became.

merry go round

Finally I decided I to step off the merry-go-round of misery and just try acceptance. Lean into the universe a little bit and trust that I am not meant to be unhappy and self loathing. So I spent a little time thinking what is it about my body right now that is making me so scared? What does it mean if I am this weight or heavier forever? Will I love myself less if I buy bigger pants? What am I really afraid of?

That was the real question. What am I really afraid of? For me,  it doesn’t have much to do with health. It has a lot to do with vanity. But deeper than vanity is the fear of  not being enough. That just me without being thin or pretty or funny or whatever- but just me is not worth loving. Well, I am happy to report that when I realized what a load of crap I was feeding myself, I put down my fork!!

At first this was foreign ground. It felt like I was accepting defeat when I stopped harassing myself. It can be hard to make a new habit!  It became clear that I had created a comfort zone for myself  in regards to what I felt was an acceptable size. As I  bumped the boundaries of that comfort zone the alarm bells had started blaring.  For now I am planning on trying to ignore them. I put a call into the alarm company to see about getting the system rewired. I don’t need alarm bells going off to tell me I am fat. I need them going off when I am saying mean things to myself. A reminder to be kind. What would that sound like?

PS: I was told the weight gain  could be related to dairy intolerance. I have been dairy free for less than a week and already feel so much better and even a little thinner. Whoopee!!

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About lifeandfriendship

I am woman hear me ROAR! I am actively engaged in shaping my life to my dreams. Watch out 'cause I'll try my best to drag you along for the ride. View all posts by lifeandfriendship

6 responses to “One True Thing

  • mistylayne

    I need to desperately try this “just me” mindset. I have no clue who I am as “just me”. It’s been very up and down over this way lately, pure roller coaster, lol.

    • lifeandfriendship

      It happens to the best of us! Seriously. Hang in there. You are awesome and super strong. I read recently that the best actors have very poor boundaries. They have difficulty distinguishing where they stop and others start. So, consider it an occupational hazard and congratulate yourself on putting your natural abilities to good use!

      • mistylayne

        Okay, that was the absolute perfect thing for me to read right now – what you said about actors having poor boundaries – because that is a common problem with me sometimes is distinguishing where I stop and others start so to know that is an occupational hazard and not just me being well, me and a little crazy helps immensely. Thanks. (((hugs))) 🙂

      • lifeandfriendship

        All right, I don’t want to sound bossy here, but… How about the idea that how you are is how you should be? That poor boundaries and whatever else you would put down on your “flaw list” are actually what makes you so unique and talented. I know this is an intimidating concept but next time you find yourself thinking of how much better your life would be if you were different, try and flip it. See if you can find any ways your life is cooler with this “flaw” in it. I would love to hear what you come up with.
        You are a seriously strong chick. I have total faith in you!

  • brendamarroy

    Sounds like you have found the holy grail of acceptance of Self right where you are, in your skin, in all of your magnificence. I applaud your courage and Self-compassion. Good for you. Hugs, Brenda

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