One thing I know to be True is that telling yourself mean things doesn’t motivate, support or improve you in any way.
Here I am at the end of February which I decided would be the month of the FROG (Fully Rely On God). I spent a good chunk of it in Chicken Little mode running around afraid the sky was falling because I decided I was too fat. Somehow putting on 5 or 10 pounds had turned into an impending disaster and meant I should definitely leave the house as little as possible. As I spent more and more time inside the story of how horrible this was and how I was obviously a flawed human being if I could not control my own body, the more miserable I became.
Finally I decided I to step off the merry-go-round of misery and just try acceptance. Lean into the universe a little bit and trust that I am not meant to be unhappy and self loathing. So I spent a little time thinking what is it about my body right now that is making me so scared? What does it mean if I am this weight or heavier forever? Will I love myself less if I buy bigger pants? What am I really afraid of?
That was the real question. What am I really afraid of? For me, it doesn’t have much to do with health. It has a lot to do with vanity. But deeper than vanity is the fear of not being enough. That just me without being thin or pretty or funny or whatever- but just me is not worth loving. Well, I am happy to report that when I realized what a load of crap I was feeding myself, I put down my fork!!
At first this was foreign ground. It felt like I was accepting defeat when I stopped harassing myself. It can be hard to make a new habit! It became clear that I had created a comfort zone for myself in regards to what I felt was an acceptable size. As I bumped the boundaries of that comfort zone the alarm bells had started blaring. For now I am planning on trying to ignore them. I put a call into the alarm company to see about getting the system rewired. I don’t need alarm bells going off to tell me I am fat. I need them going off when I am saying mean things to myself. A reminder to be kind. What would that sound like?
PS: I was told the weight gain could be related to dairy intolerance. I have been dairy free for less than a week and already feel so much better and even a little thinner. Whoopee!!