Hello again everybody. I have been on a bit of a hiatus from writing the last few months, mainly because I couldn’t decide what to write. As soon as an idea would come to me and start to form it was gone like a wisp of smoke before I had the chance to nail it down. I have consciously chosen to allow this process to unfold as it fits perfectly with the course of my life at the moment. Nothing overly dramatic but enough to throw me a bit off balance. Let me explain.
I found out in the beginning of October that my job would be changing and I might be out of work within months. My first reaction was pretty much panic, but thankfully my husband remained strong and positive and anchored me back down. Since then it seems seems that I will remain employed but what that will look like exactly is still completely unknown. Will I be working from home, an office, part time, full time, who knows. The beauty of these last few months is that I HATE uncertainty. I would never allow this to happen by choice in any way but here I am, in limbo. This also comes at a time when many other areas of my life have recently changed or are in the process of changing. (I am not trying to be vague just keep this to short story length rather than novel.)
Why would I choose the word beauty to describe these waves of change and upheaval? The reason is that in order to not completely lose my marbles through this process, I have begun to learn to drop into my heart. I can hang out in the clarity I find there and escape from the endless firestorm of doubt and fear that swirls in my mind. When I drop into my heart my energy becomes that of gratitude and trust. There is room for Joy and compassion and plenty of time. When I return to my usual habit of trying to reason my way through my life there is never enough time for anything really, there is doubt and recrimination for who I am and where I am. And, surprise, I am not very happy. Yuck! Yuck! Eeewww!
I am grateful for this gift of indecision, unknowing, and uncertainty as it has given rise to a new clarity in me. A new confidence that I can roll with the punches and be just fine. For right now, I still work from home and have the freedom to put my feet up and enjoy the delicious lemonade I have squeezed out of this handful of lemons.
That brings me to this blog and where I want it to go. I was thinking a little mix of structure and uncertainty suited me just fine. So this is my idea. This year I am dividing the blog up into the months and will choose a word of the month based on the first letter of the month. The uncertainty is (and this is a little under dramatic) that I haven’t decided what each month will be. I am just gonna make it up when I get there. So, for January it is Joy, my favorite! I will try and write about experiences big or small on this theme for the month.
Today, I had a simple moment of Joy after picking up my Father-In-Law from his doctors appointment. He is such a sweet and simple man. Never wants for anything my husband likes to say. He has had some health issues in the last few months and recently his car conked out. All of us have been taking turns helping him get to appointments and the grocery store. All of this must be so hard for him as he is a very independent person who would much rather walk or take the bus than inconvenience anyone. Regardless, I was driving him home and telling him a story about how I had introduced myself to a woman at a party recently and been completely snubbed. I told him how she would have been happier to kiss a toad than make small talk with me. He came back with a few funny choice remarks I could have shared with her. I saw in a flash the amazing loyalty I love so much in my husband. It touched me so deeply to see the loyalty and the humor they both share. It gave me a new insight to my husband to see how that part of him came straight from his Dad. I had always assumed it was his Mom who was the more outspoken one of the pair. How lucky I am to have these two wonderful men in my life!
Lastly, I want to thank Space For Lasam for nominating me for an Inspiring Blogger award. As part of accepting the award I am supposed to write 7 things about myself that you might not know. I think if you read this blog that would probably be a bit redundant… but I can tell you that as a child we lived in the country and had an assortment of animals. Most of them were very ill tempered. We had one large black goat named Billy who was especially mean. My father said this was because we (kids) would tease him. I didn’t really remember teasing him, but I usually assume blame first and ask questions later.
I took it upon myself to straighten things out between the two of us. Billy was tied out, munching on some bushes. I brought over some of his favorite acorns and proceeded to have a deep heart to heart talk, apologizing for any cruel deeds I may have done. Billy came over to eat all the acorns I had brought which I took to be a sign of reconciliation. Next, Billy proceeded to beat the crap out of me. He knocked the wind out of me with a head butt to the stomach and continued whacking me with his rock hard noggin as I crawled out of range. Ouch! Looking back now it’s pretty obvious we were not on the same page with what we wanted out of the relationship. I was looking for a furry friend to hang with. He was looking for some acorns and a Tae Bo work out.
Next, I am supposed to nominate 15 blogs that inspire me. Here’s my problem. I hate this. I feel like there are some blogs I should nominate, some I’m obligated to nominate and so many others that have already been nominated… It is not a joyful experience. In my new effort to pursue things that bring me joy, I am bailing on this list. I love lots of blogs and enjoy laughing, crying, learning and sharing with all of you. If you are interested in some recommendations let me know what you like and I’ll see what I can come up with.
All my best for a Happy New Year!!!!